અમેરિકાના ગુજરાતી પરિવારોની
અપેક્ષાઓ (૧)
આ વાર્તા નથી. આ વાત નથી. વિચારોનું માનસિક મંથન છે.
‘તિરંગા ઈન ન્યુ જર્સી’ના લેખક શ્રી અરુણ મહેતાનો ડિસેમ્બર ૨૦૧૨નો લેખ “શું વૃધ્ધાવસ્થા એક શ્રાપ છે? “ વાંચ્યો. એમાં એમણે એ પણ જણાવ્યું કે ૮૦% એ પ્રશ્નનો જવાબ હકારમાં આપશે. એમનું અનુમાન સાચું હોય તો મારી ગણત્રી બાકીના ૨૦%માં થશે. હું એમના લેખનું પુનરાવર્તન નથી કરતો. એમણે અનેક વાસ્તવિક દાખલાઓ અને હકિકતોનું નિરૂપણ કર્યું છે તેની સામે પણ દલીલ કરતો નથી. અમેરિકાના ખાસ કરીને આપણા ગુજરાતી વડિલોની વિટંબણાઓની વાતો વિશે અનેક ચિંતકોએ અવાર-નવાર લેખો લખ્યા છે. આજ પત્રના સાઈકોથેરાપીસ્ટ શ્રી આર.ડી.પટેલ સાહેબે પણ પોતાના પુસ્તકોમાં ઘણું લખ્યું છે.
વડિલોએ દેશ કાળને અનુસરીને પરિવર્તન માટે તૈયારી રાખવી જ પડશે. તમે સાંઠ-સિત્તેરના દાયકામાં તમારા વડિલો માટે જે ફરજ બજાવી હોય તેવી જ ફરજ તમારા સંતાનો ચાળિસ વર્ષ પછી બજાવી શકે એવા સમય સંજોગો છે ખરા? વાસ્તવિકતાનો સમજ પૂર્વક સ્વીકાર થઈ શકે તો “શ્રાપ” માનતા વડિકોની…
પ્રવીણ શાસ્ત્રી અને મિત્રોની વિવિધ વાતો 
Thanks Madhaviben for nice comment.
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Its very nice,thoughtful article.one thing is clear,we must keep ourselves healthy and wealthy too ,limit your expectation,try to adjust everywhere be happy.thanks for new ideas .
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Madhavi Majmudar
102 Shalin Vrajdham Mandir Road
Manjalpur Baroda 390011
Phone:: 09974042104
Landline:: 0265-2662104
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– પોતાની જાતને બદલી શકાય તેમ ન જ લાગે તો વૃધ્ધાશ્રમનો સહારો લો. દુર રહેવાથી બાળકો સાથેનો પ્રેમ જળવાઈ રહેશે.
મારા લેખનો ધ્વની પણ આ જ છે. ખરેખર તો પોતાની યુવાની દરમ્યાન જ પોતાના સમય સંજોગો અનુસાર વૃધ્ધાવસ્થામાં કેવા કૌટુંબિક માળખામાં રહેવું પડશે એ સમજી વિચારી આર્થિક માનસિક તૈયારી રાખવી જોઈએ. પ્રતિભાવ બદલ આભારી છું. આપના પ્રતિભાવો એક ઉચ્ચ કક્ષાનું વિચાર વાંચન પૂરું પાડે છે.
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Thanks Sharadabhai, Very nice Article. I am sure many of our friends would like to read this.
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શા માટે મોટાભાગના બાળકો વૃધ્ધ મા-બાપને પોતાની સાથે રાખવા કે તેમની સેવા કરવા તૈયાર નથી? ચાલો તેના કારણો તપાસીએ અને ઉપાયો વિચારીએ.
મારે દેખ્યે કારણો નીચે મુજબ છે.
– કોઈપણ પ્રવાહ હોય,(પછીતે પ્રેમનો પ્રવાહ હોય તો પણ,) હંમેશા ઉપરથી નીચેની તરફ જ વહે છે. આપણે આપણા બાળકોને પ્રેમ કર્યો તેઓ તેમના બાળકોને પ્રેમ કરે તે કુદરતી છે. અને આજ નિયમ તમામ પ્રાણી જગતને લાગુ પડે છે. પરંતુ મા-બાપને આ કુદરતી નિયમની ખબર નથી પડતી અને પોતાના બાળકો પાસે વધુ પડતી આશાઓ અને અપેક્ષાઓ રાખે છે.
– મા-બાપનુ પોતાનુ જીવન અને બાળકોને આપેલ સંસ્કાર બાળકોના ઘડતરમાં અગત્યનો ભાગ ભજવે છે. આપણે પોતે જીવનભર પૈસાને વધુ મુલ્ય આપઈએ અને બાળકો પાસે અપેક્ષા રાખીએ કે તેઓ પૈસાને નહી પણ સેવાને વધુ મુલ્ય આપે તે કેવી રીતે શક્ય બને? મોટાભાગના મા-બાપ બેહોશીમાં જ જીવન જીવે છે. તેમને એ પણ ખબર નથી હોતી કે તેઓ કેવા સંસ્કારોનુ સિંચન તેમના બાળકોને કરે છે. પરંતુ વાવેલાં બીજ કાંટા બની વાગે ત્યારે આશ્ચર્ય થાય છે કે અરે! મેં તો આંબો વાવ્યો હતો અને આ બાવળીયો કેમ ઉગ્યો?
– સ્વાસ્થ્ય પરત્વે બેધ્યાન મા-બાપ બિમારીઓ નોતરે છે અને બીજા પર બોઝ બને છે.
– ઘણા મા-બાપ સમજે છે કે પૈસો ભેગો કર્યો હશે તો બધા આપણી ગરજ કરતાં આવશે અને આપણા બાળકો પણ આપણને પુછશે. આ ધારણા તદ્દન ખોટી છે. સંબધનો આધાર પૈસો કે લાલચ બને તે સંબધ ક્યારેય મીઠો ન હોય. પછી ભલે ને બાળકો ધનની લાલચે સેવા કરવાનો અને પ્રેમ પ્રદશિત કરવાનો ઢોંગ કરતા હોય.જુઠ આખરે જુઠ જ હોય છે. કદાચ અહમ પોષાય પણ તૃપ્તી ન મળે.
– પ્રેમ તત્વ શું છે તેનો આપણને કોઈ અનુભવ નથી હોતો. આપણે જેને પ્રેમ સમજીએ છીએ તે મોટાભાગે અહમ કેંદ્રિત હોય છે. બાળક માટે પ્રેમ ઓછો પરંતુ મારા બાળક માટે વધુ. જેના પર વધુ આધિપત્ય જમાવી શકીએ તેના માટે પ્રેમ વધુ અને જેના પર કોઈ આધિપત્ય ન હોય તેના પર પ્રેમ નહીવત. આ જુઠા પ્રેમના લક્ષણૉ છે. યુવાનીમાં કામના આવેગોને પ્રેમ સમજીએ. આમ આપનો જુઠો પ્રેમ પરિવર્તિત થૈ આપણને પણ જુઠો પ્રેમ મળે છે જે ક્યારેક પ્રેમનિ ભ્રમણા ઊભી કરે પણ તે તકલાદી જ હોય. જરા અમથું મેણુ કે કડવું વચન, અને વર્ષોનો જુઠો પ્રેમ કડડભુસ.
– મા-બાપને એક ભ્રમણા હોય છે કે મેં મારા બાળકો માટે આ કર્યું અને તે કર્યું. પેટે પાટા બાંધી છોકરાઓને ઊછેર્યા. અને છોકરાઓ અમારુ ધ્યાન જ નથી આપતા. જ્યારે સત્ય એ છે કે મેં કર્યું…મેં કર્યું એક ભ્રમ સિવાય કાંઇ નથી.. આપણે એક નિમિત માત્ર હોઈએ છીએ.
મારે દેખ્યે કેટલાંક ઊપાયો
– કુદરતના નિયમોને જુઓ અને સમજો.
– વધુ પડતી આશાઓ અને અપેક્ષાઓ બાળકો તરફથિ ન રાખો.
– તમારી વહુની સંસ્કારિતતા જુદા પ્રકારની છે તેથી તેની સાથેનો સંઘર્ષ ટાળૉ.
– વહુ જેવી છે તેવી તેનો સ્વિકાર કરી પ્રેમથી અને કળથી તેની સાથે વહેવાર કરો.
– જે પરિસ્થિતી છે તેનો સ્વિકાર કરો.
– ચારે બાજુ દોડ અને હરિફાઈને કારણે તમારા બાળકોના બાળકો ઊછેરવાનો સમય અને શક્તિ તેમના મા-બાપની નથી. તેમને તમારી સેવાઓની જરુર છે જ. જેનો લાભ લો.
– પતિ-પત્નીના ઝગડામાં કે તેમની અંગત બાબતોમાં ક્યારેય દખલગીરિ ન કરો. તેમનુ જીવન છે અને તેઓ જે રીતે જિવવા માંગતા હોય તે રીતે જીવવા દો. કાંઈ ખોટું કરતા હોય તો એક બે વાર ધ્યાન દોરવું. પણ પછી તેમને છોડી દેવા. ઘણિવાર ઠોકરો જીવનના બહુમુલ્ય પાઠ શિખવે છે જે યુનિવર્સિટી નથી શિખવી શક્તી.
– ઘરમાં હાસ્ય અને આનંદનુ વાતાવરણ બની રહે તે તરફ ધ્યાન આપો.
– બને તેટલા ફ્લેક્સીબલ રહો. સમય બહુ ઝડપથી બદલાઈ રહ્યો છે. જે પરિવર્તનો પહેલા એક શતકમાં આવતા તે હવે એક દસકમાં આવે છે. સમય સાથે ચાલો.
– મિતાહારી બનો અને સ્વાસ્થ્યનુ પુરતુ ધ્યાન રાખો. કસરતો ન થાય તો કાંઈ નહી
થોડું ચાલવું, હળવો શ્રમ કરવો જે ઘરકામમાં મદદરુપ થાય.
– તમને આનંદ આપતી પ્રવૃત્તિ શોધી રોજ એક બે કલ્લાક તે કરવી.
– માંગ્યા વગર સલાહ ન આપો.
– જે થાય તે જોયા કરો, ભલે તેનાથી આર્થિક કે અન્ય નુકશાન થતું હોય. પણ જીવ ક્યારેય ન બાળૉ.
– પ્રકૃતિ સાથે રોજ એક કલ્લાક વિતાવો.
– રોજ એક કલ્લાક ધ્યાન કરો.
– પોતાની જાતને બદલી શકાય તેમ ન જ લાગે તો વૃધ્ધાશ્રમનો સહારો લો. દુર રહેવાથી બાળકો સાથેનો પ્રેમ જળવાઈ રહેશે.
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હેમાબેન, વાત સાચી છે.
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Aaje santan na jai an ma dakhagiri na karta mabap ne sathe rakhya taiyar nathi.mabap ni hasiyat juda Ravani na hoy ,America ma double job karine chokra Mota karya hoy,bahu ne nathi gamtu.potana mabap sathe nu vartan j Judu hoy che.
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A graceful old age is your birthright
Question 1:
BELOVED OSHO,
YOU HAVE NOT BEEN COMING FOR SO LONG THAT NOW THE GOSSIP HAS
CHANGED ABOUT ME: THAT I AM NO MORE OLD, I AM REALLY ANCIENT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?
Devageet, all these days that I have not been coming, I have been watching. An ancient tree, just by the side of my house, has been dancing in the rain, and its old leaves are falling with such grace and such beauty. Not only is the tree dancing in the rain and the wind, the old leaves leaving the tree are also dancing; there is celebration.
Except man, in the whole existence nobody suffers from old age; in fact, existence knows nothing about old age. It knows about ripening; it knows about maturing. It knows that there is a time to dance, to live as intensely and as totally as possible, and there is a time to rest.
Those old leaves of the almond tree by the side of my house are not dying; they are simply going to rest, melting and merging into the same earth from which they have arisen. There is no sadness, no mourning, but an immense peace in falling to rest into eternity. Perhaps another day, another time they may be back again, in some other form, on some other tree. They will dance again; they will sing again; they will rejoice the moment.
Existence knows only a circular change from birth to death, from death to birth, and it is an eternal process. Every birth implies death and every death implies birth. Every birth is preceded by a death and every death is succeeded by a birth. Hence existence is not afraid. There is no fear anywhere except in the mind of man.
Man seems to be the only sick species in the whole cosmos. Where is this sickness? It should really have been otherwise… man should have enjoyed more, loved more, lived more each moment. Whether it is of childhood or of youth or of old age, whether it is of birth or of death, it does not matter at all. You are transcendental to all these small episodes.
Thousands of births have happened to you, and thousands of deaths. And those who can see clearly can understand it even more deeply, as if it is happening every moment.
Something in you dies every moment and something in you is born anew. Life and death are not so separate, not separated by seventy years.
Life and death are just like two wings of a bird, simultaneously happening. Neither can life exist without death, nor can death exist without life. Obviously they are not opposites; obviously they are complementaries. They need each other for their existence; they are interdependent. They are part of one cosmic whole.
But because man is so unaware, so asleep, he is incapable of seeing a simple and obvious fact. Just a little awareness, not much, and you can see you are changing every moment.
And change means something is dying — something is being reborn. Then birth and death become one; then childhood and its innocence become one with old age and its innocence.
There is a difference, yet there is no opposition. The child’s innocence is really poor, because it is almost synonymous with ignorance. The old man, ripe in age, who has passed through all the experiences of darkness and light, of love and hate, of joy and misery, who has been matured through life in different situations, has come to a point where he is no more a participant in any experience. Misery comes… he watches.
Happiness comes and he watches. He has become a watcher on the hill. Everything passes down in the dark valleys, but he remains on the sunlit peak of the mountain, simply watching in utter silence.
The innocence of old age is rich. It is rich from experience; it is rich from failures, from successes; it is rich from right actions, from wrong actions; it is rich from all the failures, from all the successes; it is rich multidimensionally. Its innocence cannot be synonymous with ignorance. Its innocence can only be synonymous with wisdom.
Both are innocent, the child and the old man. But their innocences have a qualitative change, a qualitative difference. The child is innocent because he has not entered yet into the dark night of the soul; the old man is innocent — he has come out of the tunnel. One is entering into the tunnel; the other is getting out of the tunnel. One is going to suffer much; one has already suffered enough. One cannot avoid the hell that is ahead of him; the other has left the hell behind him.
Devageet, your question is the question of almost every human being. Knowingly or unknowingly, there is a trembling in the heart that you are becoming old, that after old age the deluge — after old age, death. And for centuries you have been made so much afraid of death that the very idea has become deep-rooted in your unconscious; it has gone deep in your blood, in your bones, in your marrow. The very word frightens you — not that you know what death is, but just because of thousands of years of conditioning that death is the end of your life, you are afraid.
I want you to be absolutely aware that death is not the end. In existence, nothing begins and nothing ends. Just look all around… the evening is not the end, nor is the morning the beginning. The morning is moving towards the evening and the evening is moving towards the morning. Everything is simply moving into different forms.
There is no beginning and there is no end.
Why should it be otherwise with man? — man is not an exception. In this idea of being exceptional, in being more special than the other animals and the trees and the birds, man has created his own hell, his paranoia. The idea that we are exceptional beings, we are human beings, has created a rift between you and existence. That rift causes all your fears and your misery, causes unnecessary anguish and angst in you.
And all your so-called leaders, whether religious or political or social, have emphasized the rift; they have widened it. There has not been a single effort in the whole history of man to bridge the rift, to bring man back to the earth, to bring man back with the animals and with the birds and with the trees, and to declare an absolute unity with existence.
That is the truth of our being. Once it is understood, you are neither worried about old age nor worried about death, because looking around you, you can be absolutely satisfied that nothing ever begins, it has been always there; nothing ever ends, it will remain always there.
The idea of being old fills you with great anxiety. It means now your days of life, of love, of rejoicings are over, that now you will exist only in name. It will not be a rejoicing, but only a dragging towards the grave. Obviously you cannot enjoy the idea that you are just a burden in existence, just standing in a queue which is moving every moment towards the graveyard.
It is one of the greatest failures of all cultures and all civilizations in the world that they have not been able to provide a meaningful life, a creative existence for their old; that they have not been able to provide a subtle beauty and grace, not only to old age, but to death itself.
And the problem becomes more complicated because the more you are afraid of death, the more you will be afraid of life too. Each moment lived, death comes closer…. A man who is afraid of death cannot be in love with life, because it is life finally that takes you to the doors of death. How can you love life? It was for this reason that all the religions started renouncing life: renounce life because that is the only way to renounce death. If you don’t live life, if you are already finished with the job of living, loving, dancing, singing, then naturally you need not be afraid of death; you have died already.
We have called these dead people saints; we have worshiped them. We have worshiped them because we knew we would also like to be like them, although we don’t have that much courage. At least we can worship and show our intentions. If we had courage or one day if we gather courage, we would also like to live like you: utterly dead. The saint cannot die because he has already died. He has renounced all the pleasures, all the joys; all that life offers he has rejected. He has returned the ticket to existence saying, “I am no more part of the show.” He has closed his eyes.
It happened once that a so-called saint was visiting me. I took him into the garden — there were so many beautiful dahlias, and I showed him those beautiful flowers in the morning sun. He looked very strangely at me, a little annoyed, irritated, and he could not resist the temptation to condemn me, saying, “I thought you were a religious person… and you are still enjoying the beauty of the flowers?”
On one point he is right, that if you are enjoying the beauty of the flowers, you cannot avoid enjoying the beauty of human beings; you cannot avoid enjoying the beauty of women; you cannot avoid enjoying the beauty of music and dance. If you are interested in the beauty of the flowers, you have shown that you are still interested in life, that you cannot yet renounce love. If you are aware of beauty, how can you avoid love?
Beauty provokes love; love imparts beauty.
I said, “On this point you are right, but on the second point you are wrong. Who ever told you that I am a religious person? I am not yet dead! — to be religious the basic requirement is to be dead. If you are alive you can only be a hypocrite, you cannot be really religious.”
When you will see a bird on the wing, it is impossible not to rejoice in its freedom. And when you will see the sunset with all the colors spread on the horizon — even if you close your eyes, your very effort of closing the eyes will show your interest. You have been overwhelmed by the beauty of it.
Life is another name of love.
And love is nothing but being sensitive to beauty.
I said to that so-called saint, “I can renounce religion but I cannot renounce life, because life has been given to me by existence itself, and religion is just man-made, manufactured by the priests and the politicians; manufactured to deprive man of his joy, to deprive man of his dignity, to deprive man of his humanity itself.
“I am not a religious person in your sense. I have a totally different definition of being religious. To me the religious person is one who is totally alive, intensely alive, aflame with love, aware of tremendous beauty all around; has the courage to rejoice each moment of life and death together. Only a man who is so capable of rejoicing in life and death — his song continues. It does not matter whether life is happening or death is happening, his song is not disturbed, his dance does not waver?”
Only such an adventurous soul, only such a pilgrim of existence is religious. But in the name of religion man has been given poor substitutes, false, phony, meaningless, just toys to play with. Worshiping statues, chanting man-made mantras, paying tributes to those who have been cowards and escapists and who were not able to live life because they were so afraid of death, and calling them saints, religion has distracted man from true and authentic religiousness.
Devageet, you need not be worried about old age. And it is even more beautiful that people have starting thinking about you as ancient. That means you have attained to the real transcendence, you have lived everything. Now it is your maturity. You have not renounced anything, but you have simply passed through every experience. You have grown so experienced that now you need not repeat those experiences again and again.
This is transcendence.
You should rejoice, and I would like the whole world to understand the rejoicing that is our birthright in accepting with deep gratitude the old age and the final consummation of old age into death.
If you are not graceful about it, if you cannot laugh at it, if you cannot disappear into the eternal leaving a laughter behind, you have not lived rightly. You have been dominated and directed by wrong people. They may have been your prophets, your messiahs, your saviors, your tirthankaras; they may have been your incarnations of gods, but they have all been criminals in the sense that they have deprived you of life and they have filled your hearts with fear.
My effort here is to fill your heart with laughter. Your every fiber of being should love to dance in every situation, whether it is day or night, whether you are down or up.
Irrespective of the situation, an undercurrent of cheerfulness should continue. That is authentic religiousness to me.
A few sutras for you, Devageet…
An ancient man is one who wears his glasses in bed so he can get a better look at the girls he dreams about.
An ancient man is one who only flirts with young girls at parties so his wife will take him home.
The beauty of being ancient is that since you are too old to set a bad example, you can start giving good advice.
Only a really old man, well-versed in the wisdom of life, can say, “Puppy love is lots of fun but few men realize it is the beginning of a dog’s life.”
Women like the simple things in life — for example, the old men. Once the women start liking you, it means you are finished. They are no longer afraid of you; you are perfectly acceptable.
Women have their own reasons, although women’s reason is like eternity: it passeth all understanding.
Devageet, if you have really become old, then you are in a wrong place. The right place for you will only be a Catholic monastery, because a Catholic monastery is a home for unmarried fathers.
Devageet, if you are really old, start loving your enemies; it makes them so angry.
An old married man’s best friend is his wife’s husband.
Get it? … No. I have to give you some explanation.
A man was sitting with his best friend and told him, “My wife has escaped with my best friend.”
The friend said, “What are you talking about? I’M your best friend.”
The man said, “No, no more.”
For ancient ones there is a new thing in the world to do; its name is punk yoga. Punk yoga is where you stand on someone else’s head.
Inside every older person there is a younger person wondering what happened.
And remember, Devageet, if you are not going all the way, why go at all? And don’t be worried at all about your old age, your ancientness. At least as far as enlightenment is concerned, it does not care how you get there: young, old, ancient; man, woman, all are accepted without any exception, because the ultimate experience is welcoming everybody from every direction. One need not be concerned about these small matters; moreover, they are not facts. You are simply getting paranoid about gossips.
Naturally, here there are so many beautiful people, gossips are bound to happen. And what else will meditators do? — you cannot meditate for twenty-four hours. Just to relax, just for a change… the best relaxation for a meditator is gossip. It hurts nobody and it gives you free entertainment.
The truckdriver pulled into the truck stop, went inside, and ordered a cup of coffee and a piece of cake. Sitting next to him was a member of the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang, who looked at him and said, “Hey man, I don’t like you sitting next to me. Move over!”
The truckdriver did not say a word, so the Hell’s Angel reached over and put his cigarette out in the driver’s coffee. But still the truckdriver was silent and continued eating his cake. When he had finished he got up, paid his bill and left.
When he had gone, the Hell’s Angel said to the waiter, “Man, that guy was a pushover.
Did you see what a coward he was?”
“Yes,” said the waiter, looking out of the window, “a real coward. And a terrible driver too. He just drove over some poor guy’s motorcycle.”
The English couple had not made love for years. The wife was very suspicious: What is the matter? Is he having an affair with somebody? The lady was surprised to see the maid very happy that day, wearing a beautiful new dress and preparing her bedroom as if she was expecting someone to come in the night.
So that evening she sent the maid to her mother’s for the night and then climbed into the maid’s bed herself and switched off the light. Soon a shadowy figure climbed in through the window, slipped into bed and made passionate love to the lady.
When he had finished she felt satisfied like never before, but still wanting revenge she snapped on the bedside light. “I will bet you are surprised to see me,” she said triumphantly.
“I sure am,” said the chauffeur.
It is perfectly okay for meditators — they are involved in such a serious research — to relax once in a while, gossip, joke, laugh. It is not contrary to their meditations; it is immensely helpful. It takes away your seriousness, it gives you back your innocence, simplicity, relaxedness. It helps you to go back into the deeper realms of meditations.
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